Struggle and Realization

Entry: 7.19.05 5:32pm
What do I know? For all of the knowledge I have in my head, I cannot see God with the clarity I once possessed. God is there, and even if I reject him, he is still there. What kind of apologetic is this, that I should deny the God I believe in? There is always something in me that will not allow me to fully reject Jesus, for I know with all of my heart that he is real, and that the gospels are true. But I have no commitment to him, or to them. My passion is affixed to lower terrain. I struggle to unite once again my very lifeblood with Christ, but it seems that my energies fail. Perhaps I should think that God is draining me of my own illusions of self-sufficiency once again, but I should not be so deceived to think that my lack of discipline and relentless shirking of my relations with my God are something that he would casually pass over. Are these not the cornerstones of faith? For how should I be saved if my passion is not above all for him; if our relations are like that of amicably distant departed lovers; if my discipline in doing his will (which is above all to love him and others more than my own life) is dismal, forgotten, less than a priority? It should not be this way with me.

Entry:7.26.05 3:20pm
I seem to have emerged from a valley, and am now ascending the hillside to see the glory of God's mercy like a sun shining down on me. God would never casually pass over the sins of any, but has exacted his payment in full: the blood of Christ is evidence. It is not only the evidence, but also the means by which God passes over my sin. But not casually. Jesus -God in a human suit- suffered pain, torture, and a slow, suffocating death, so that I could turn from his father in so many ways and still have a place at the table. I am nothing, worthy of destruction in the presence of the King of the universe, yet the King came to me and said, "Trust in me. My power is perfected in your weakness. Be weak that I may be shown to be strong, able to save you."

A mighty apologetic indeed, not in the strength of my own wits or ability to save myself, but in God's ability through Jesus' death to rescue me from my own stupid, self-pitying destruction. This whole struggle is a testament to God's mercy.

Drugs

It's funny that the FDA approves drugs with side effects that include death while marijuana remains illegal, and in federal cases can get you a life sentence without possibility of parole.

Cigarettes and alcohol are legal, yet they are connected with the leading causes of death in the United States (cancer, car accidents).

During WWII the US government encouraged midwestern farmers to grow 300,000 acres of marijuana for use in the production of hemp rope and to further stimulate the domestic economy, only to make it illegal once again after the war had been "won" (See Eric Schlosser's Reefer Madness for a fuller exposition of this event in our nation's illustriously backward history).

As a result, marijuana now grows wild along the roadside throughout the midwest. They call it ditch weed, and it is usually not at all potent. But Schlosser suggests that ditch weed may be cross pollinating with more potent strains still being grown (illegally - for now) on farms in the region.

Is it really worth all of the effort to keep a plant illegal, especially when it has so many benefits beyond any possible medicinal use? Truly, it is reefer madness.

Palm Readings

(Notes to myself on my pda)

Cannot God be broader than the bounds of a single theology?

Jesus' desire to usher us into the feast in the kingdom is like parents trying to get a 2-year old dressed for a holiday feast where food and family are waiting to be enjoyed.

Jets overhead on the fourth of July are a display of power toward pride [and awe and security]. Jets overhead on the eve of war is the display of power toward terror and destruction. [We are often privileged to witness the former without the contemplation of those who bear awful witness the latter].

Make a track of silence 1 second long and call it "The Eternal."

Nuance eventually becomes orthodoxy to the exclusion of all nuances.

What Does That Say About Christian Commitment to Family?

There was a spider web over the shelf of Marriage and Relationship books when I came to work this morning.