Struggle and Realization
Entry: 7.19.05 5:32pm
What do I know? For all of the knowledge I have in my head, I cannot see God with the clarity I once possessed. God is there, and even if I reject him, he is still there. What kind of apologetic is this, that I should deny the God I believe in? There is always something in me that will not allow me to fully reject Jesus, for I know with all of my heart that he is real, and that the gospels are true. But I have no commitment to him, or to them. My passion is affixed to lower terrain. I struggle to unite once again my very lifeblood with Christ, but it seems that my energies fail. Perhaps I should think that God is draining me of my own illusions of self-sufficiency once again, but I should not be so deceived to think that my lack of discipline and relentless shirking of my relations with my God are something that he would casually pass over. Are these not the cornerstones of faith? For how should I be saved if my passion is not above all for him; if our relations are like that of amicably distant departed lovers; if my discipline in doing his will (which is above all to love him and others more than my own life) is dismal, forgotten, less than a priority? It should not be this way with me.
Entry:7.26.05 3:20pm
I seem to have emerged from a valley, and am now ascending the hillside to see the glory of God's mercy like a sun shining down on me. God would never casually pass over the sins of any, but has exacted his payment in full: the blood of Christ is evidence. It is not only the evidence, but also the means by which God passes over my sin. But not casually. Jesus -God in a human suit- suffered pain, torture, and a slow, suffocating death, so that I could turn from his father in so many ways and still have a place at the table. I am nothing, worthy of destruction in the presence of the King of the universe, yet the King came to me and said, "Trust in me. My power is perfected in your weakness. Be weak that I may be shown to be strong, able to save you."
A mighty apologetic indeed, not in the strength of my own wits or ability to save myself, but in God's ability through Jesus' death to rescue me from my own stupid, self-pitying destruction. This whole struggle is a testament to God's mercy.
What do I know? For all of the knowledge I have in my head, I cannot see God with the clarity I once possessed. God is there, and even if I reject him, he is still there. What kind of apologetic is this, that I should deny the God I believe in? There is always something in me that will not allow me to fully reject Jesus, for I know with all of my heart that he is real, and that the gospels are true. But I have no commitment to him, or to them. My passion is affixed to lower terrain. I struggle to unite once again my very lifeblood with Christ, but it seems that my energies fail. Perhaps I should think that God is draining me of my own illusions of self-sufficiency once again, but I should not be so deceived to think that my lack of discipline and relentless shirking of my relations with my God are something that he would casually pass over. Are these not the cornerstones of faith? For how should I be saved if my passion is not above all for him; if our relations are like that of amicably distant departed lovers; if my discipline in doing his will (which is above all to love him and others more than my own life) is dismal, forgotten, less than a priority? It should not be this way with me.
Entry:7.26.05 3:20pm
I seem to have emerged from a valley, and am now ascending the hillside to see the glory of God's mercy like a sun shining down on me. God would never casually pass over the sins of any, but has exacted his payment in full: the blood of Christ is evidence. It is not only the evidence, but also the means by which God passes over my sin. But not casually. Jesus -God in a human suit- suffered pain, torture, and a slow, suffocating death, so that I could turn from his father in so many ways and still have a place at the table. I am nothing, worthy of destruction in the presence of the King of the universe, yet the King came to me and said, "Trust in me. My power is perfected in your weakness. Be weak that I may be shown to be strong, able to save you."
A mighty apologetic indeed, not in the strength of my own wits or ability to save myself, but in God's ability through Jesus' death to rescue me from my own stupid, self-pitying destruction. This whole struggle is a testament to God's mercy.
posted by chris at 3:19 PM
1 Comments:
I hear you, bro. Sometimes the buzzing between the ears becomes too dissonant. Keep up the Good Word.
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